"You be my boyfriend for the day."
I duno what was my reaction to this,but I like it.
I am not trying to find fault with you.
Its just that what you said to me,
it made me happy somehow.
But somehow,I was quite happy with it.
I must admit it la k.
I enjoyed every second with you.
I know I was being 'used' of,but I just wanted to have the feeling of being happy with you.
I didnt care about anything.
And I want you to know that I studied.
I really studied,just for the sake of you.(I am very proud of that)
I know it seem I am faking cos Im always known to like not study and all.
And my study is just like not that serious study.
But I hope you believe me,when I said earlier on that I did studied.
You got the doubtful feelings right.
Its okay,I hope I could prove to you one day(:
Yay,you fetched me from school.
It felt great.
Hai,and now I am back home here again.
Wishing I could go back to time earlier.
It has always been like that.
It was a boring day I suppose.
We didnt enjoyed much.
But I know riding my bike was a fun thing.
Hah.
Sorry if you were offended in any way.
My schedule is going to be pack this friday.
NCC + CNY Performance.
And theres ngaji,every Friday.
Gosh,how am I suppose to attend it when theres training every Friday?!

---

I was overcame with regrets and shame after what you texted me.
Thats when I knew how you felt when I 'left' you months ago.
And now,it hit me back.
The same thing which has hit you months ago.
But I guess,you were much in a worse position.
I read your last msg again and again.
To be honest,I myself didnt realize I was such a satan/bastard/whatever you name it.
I can understand by what it means to be faithful.
Cos I was too,trying to be faithful to farah.
But I failed.
And now,its your turn.
But I just cant bear the pain I feel inside.
And I know I have to carry on with the pain as life goes on.
Thats pretty sucky.
But I guess thats nth to do.
I see a pic of you and him.
I must admit,I dun like it cos its so ugly.
At the same time,Im feeling a sense of jealousy.
And I am learning how to control it.
L,you cant tell me what to do.
Its really hurtful to move on.
Yes,it takes time to heal.
But the process is too painful.
Nobody wish to go through it.
But yet,its so unlucky that I have to.
You can say it just like that,cos you are moving on with Randy.
I appreciate that you care for me and all.
But yet,I am still stubborn.
This spoilt brain of mine just want you and you.
All I need is you.
Which,wont fucking happens.
I am too ashamed to carry my shame and regrets along with me.
Sorry for what I had done.
I know nothing can be done.
But im still holding on the rope.
Everyday,I ask myself if theres is ever a chance for us again.
And I know the answer would be NO.
Yet,I still ask myself.
Is like a fact is already a fact,and yet I wont believe it.
L,you are my greatest loss and my biggest love and my longest love.

I love you.

---

I so miss you terribly.
Every weekend,I would wonder what you be doing here and there.
Every weekend,I put my phone away from me.
And I be letting out a sigh knowing that you be enjoying yourself.
And Im here being jealous.
It never ends.
Everyone telling me to let go of you.
But I just cant.
When I am with you,I feel so good.
I forget everything.
I just wanna be by your side all day long.
Till now,I am waiting for the day I long for.
But I know it wont happen.
Well,I already have a plan in mind.
Valentine is coming.
I guess I be spending it alone for the first time.
):

Its okay.

---

Okay,this few weeks I am going to get real busy.
Really busy.
Many events are happening soon.

1)Chinese New Year Concert
2)Speech Day
3)Dancework

These events needs lots of practices and even rehearsal!
Plus,those books I need to buy for school.
I am mad with the school teachers for wasting our money.
Some books they also never use.
Then they expect us to buy assessment books.
To make it worse,they always want it asap.
Money is becoming an issue to me nowadays.
I been living on budget usually.
Now I have to raise it even higher.
What a school system we living in.
Great-.-
Back to my busy schedule.
Monday-Dance
Tuesday-NCC
Wednesday-Dance
Thursday-PT
Friday-NCC speech day practice.
So yeah,thats how busy am I.
But to be on the positive side,Im proud that NCC is the Guard Of Honour (GOH) this year!
And everyday,after school I head home which by then I would be tired.
But I can still manage on my studies(:
Goody me.

---

I just feel upset.
Thinking,thinking the dynamics of our relationship.
Sometime,I try to figure out what had made us this way.
Sometime,I blame everything for the cause of it.
Sometime,I blame myself for all the mistake I had done.
I just duno why we had to go this path of road.
Or rather me that has to go through this.
Like lynette,I want somebody who has my back.
Who can love me and support me.
You have Randy.
Me?No one.
By I am not trying to say I want a new girl.
What I am saying is I too,need this affection.
I still love you L.
I always wanted to tell you how I feel and all.
But given your status,I think its safe to just not affect you anymore.
I dun want me to be the problem of you.
I cant move on.
I cannot,and never will.
Call me stubborn if you wish.

---

You got to hurt me,L.
Is not that you dun want to.
But you have to.
You have to hurt me for the sake of Randy.
So yeah,I can understand.
I will just be patient and bear the pain till the day I will give up.
Valentine is coming.
This year,shall be the first year I be spending alone.
Yeah,I know I sound pitiful but this is not on purpose as this is an actual fact.
So,I have come up with a plan.
Valentine,I wake up to study.
Then in the night,a drink session.
By drinking,it helps me put off with the misery and sorrow I have.
I can share it with my friends to make me feel better.
At least for a moment,then it will come to me again.
So yeah,its still in a work in progress.
Not confirmed.
Okay la,I gotta crash my bed for now.
I dun wish to say much.
Goodnite peeps.

---

"I'm tired of always being there for you and trying to stand up for you and always supporting you in almost everything you do, yet, actually, you can do everything without me and you don't even need me at all."

-Zahirah

---

Yes,I have been a damn old fool.
Always has been.
It seems like everything I do or say seems to piss you.
You dun seem to be happy with me.
Like I am a nuisance or an annoying pest.
One thing I like to bring up is,
Please dun treat us or me as a thing of the past.
I dun see we are getting better or improving.
Like its still the same as though we were 'together'.
Tell,is this way you treat Randy?
I am not your fucking rubbish bin.
You cant just dump everything at me.
I was there for you when you cried and all.
Then now,you treat me like as though nothing happens and all.
Hey,what am I to you?
This isnt how you treat a friend.
What is this man?
Whatever it is,I dun feel right la.
And yeah,I think you are over reacting when I didnt go to school.
Its like you think I am lazy and whatever I say is just excuses to you.
You dun even allow me to finish my sentence.
Hai.
Never mind.
I shall ignore what you did to me and all la.
Main thing,I want you.
I dun mind being a fool.
Let others say what they want say.
I dun care.
Cos I will always remain a fool for as long as I live.

Thank you accompanying me to the doc even though I told you not to come.
It tear me when you board the bus):

---

Okay.
My previous was just to let off my anger.
Whatever I said,was said in anger.
So,dun give a damn about it man.
Useless crap.
Yeah,I guess I got to learn.
Learn MORE I mean.
I think,I shall go with what you said.
Being jealous is a difficult task thing to do.
But I shall just close one eye.
I will pretend like I never hear of it or whatever.
I want to talk to you.
I want to see you.
I want to feel you.
I duno why,but I seem like a fool trying to do anything for you.
You made me crazy.
Its okay,I know I am going to get hurt again soon or sooner.
Its just gonna be a cycle for all I know.
You and him,forever.
Me and your problem,forever.
Repeat and repeat till I duno when it end.
Till I die perhaps.
Oh yes,since the accident that almost took my life,I keep wondering why the cab didnt knock me down.
Seriously,it was fucking close.
My legs were shivering.
And I think.
What if it were to take my life?
Why?!
It could been better?
Or worse?
Back to where I was la.
So,yeah I think just go with the flow and see where it leads me.
Hello lynette.
I apologised for that day I was dizzy and ended up calling you and saying I love you and all.
And for the day,I kissed you when I left.
I know I shouldnt have done that.
Never should I do that!
SORRY.

---

I am kinda sick of being hurt on and off.
But I guess I am used to it.
I am happy that we are talking to each other.
At the other side,I hate it.
Cos it feels like when I talk to you,the closer I get to know about you and him.
You cried last night,on the phone telling he was this and that.
And now you told me that youre okay with him.
Fuck,great.
I know this is evil of me.
But I am just a jealousy freak.
Annoying.
I have been telling myself not to talk to you and all.
But still,I did not stick to my words because of you!
YOU!
Its has always been YOU YOU YOU AND YOU!
I duno whats has been happening but part of me is enjoying it.
You cried last night,which broke my heart.
You told me about him last night,which made me pissed.
I couldnt help falling mad at you and him.
Burn in hell man.

---