Mariska Hargitay

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Bukan Hidupku.

Lynette,I know everything.
And today,I am going to be honest and say everything out here.
I knew this was the consequences.
I had dreamt it this and it came true.
The surprise you gave me on the 13Jan,I never regret it.
It was the most happiest moment.
My heart told me that you would come back for me.
You did,which I was hoping for badly.
True enough,you were the present outside my door steps.
Nothing could describe the feelings I felt when I found myself in those warmth arms of yours.
I just wish I could just stay there forever.
Next,we were on a 'relationship' till I forgot about everything except us.
It was heaven.
But deep down,I knew I was down in real shit sooner or later.
But I chose to ignore cos I just wanted to treasure every moments with you.
I knew I was gonna get hurt again.
But I chose to set it aside and to let my empty heart filled with your love while it last.
And now,it has come to this which I expected.
Where the hurting gonna haunt me,even when I am sleeping.
I knew you love Randy more than me.
I could see it.
Maybe,I am the 'old' one while hes the 'new' one.
Thats why you choose him I guess.
I noticed then when you are on the phone with him,you are more calm and comfortable.
While to me,you seem so sian and annoyed.
Your tone was so harsh on me.
Like when you said "What?" on the phone,I was thinking.
Do you treat Randy as how you treat me?
You called me today.
I didnt want to answer,but I did.
All I wanted was to hear your voice.
Cos it helps me feel closer to you.
If you didnt realized,I was in a friendly happy tone.
But it was just an act.
Just an act to make you happy.
Little did you know,I was trying to hide and control my emotion.
I didnt want to show you cos I felt it wasnt polite.
It hurts me,when you said Its good if we wouldnt talk.
To hung up the phone was a difficult task for me as it felt I am letting you go.
For all I know,you treat me differently from the rest.
I get the worse punishment.
Like what you said,its my retribution.
And I accepted it whole heartedly for what I have done to you in the past.
Those feelings you had for me,was only temporary.
You had that feelings cos we lost contacts for a month.
And when we met,those feelings just came.
Now,its all gone.
You are not afraid to lose me cos you have Randy.
You prefer him.
You just wanted me to leave you so that you could pay your full attention to him.
But I understand you,you just want to be faithful.
So be it,go ahead.
I am not stopping you.
I am glad that you have that mindset,but jealous at the same time.
Somehow,I wish I had that mindset back then.
And lynette,you want us to be close friends?
Just look at how we talk on the phone.
Close friends talk,behaves that way?
In that tone?
Just think okay.
And think,if I were to be your close friend,
You bloody know that I will still have feelings for you,
And to watch you having a relationship with Randy,
How would this close friend feel?
I am just crying so badly.
So bad,this is bad.
But Im happy on one side that I learn how to calm things instead of throwing everything on you.
I cant control my feelings as for now.
Everything is pulling me down.
Lynette,I just want to let you know I didnt regret these few days.
I really love those times I had with you I swear.
I wish it could replay back.
Back to where we were.
Right now,as Im crying,I just want you badly.
Real badly.
Nobody seems to wipe the tears for me.
All in my head is just you Lynette.
And it hurts me so much,so much to see you go to him.
I just dun want to let go of you.
I really dun want.
Everyday,I would stared at my wallpaper.
Everynight,I would touch my dogtag and ring and go to sleep.
Just so that I could feel you close to me everywhere.
Well,now I am on my own,I hope everything goes well for you.
Do msg me if anything.
I want to meet you on Friday as it will be the last meeting.
I guess,this is what I got to say.
Take care Lynette.
I love you.

Randy,you took away my everything.

posted at 1:03 AM by Ammar | Permalink |

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