I want to do a reflection on todays job at baazar.
Today work was enjoyable and easy job.
Washing hands.
But it seem more than that to me.
Everything seem to be on you.
For example, when I hear Ash trying to promo his shop,he will say Henna.
And i wld smile at that cos Henna sound like Inah and it always made me turn around to see you but no,no you.
Washing ppl hands,I will take the.chance to look arnd at my surroundings to see any chance of seeing you.
But no,no you.
Also had a chat with Ash maid,who happens to be a pinoy.
And I told her that i had a gf who was a pinoy.
I know its a lie but I cant help myself saying it.
It felt great showing off your pic.
Felt proud to have you.
But no,we are just merely friends.
I washed hundreds of hands but none seem to be the same as  your hands.
Only yours was right.
I work till my back hurts just to know youre with him now.
You might be kissing him now or hugging him and here I am trying to sleep with a bad back.
Its just hurt imagining and it cant be stopped.
I had nvr expected you to go over the limits and do this.
You said you go over to Maries hse and this what happen?
And now youre getting a shoe for me.
Im so.confused and tense.
If only I cld rip the bed in pieces and satisfy my jealousy hunger.
But no,I cant do that.
I have to learn, I have to.
For.your sake,and ours.
I must control!
Fuck this.

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You left me confused tonight boo.
Now I just want to pour my jealousy issue here.
Blog, bear with me as always.
I am so jealous right now that everything I see we had is all about him.
Like now, you msg me goodnite.
I imagine you saying goodnite to him too.
Imagining how happy you are to receive a text from him.
Imagining how sweet his goodnite msg will be to you.
Imagining that small spark will be bigger.
Imagining you laughing at the slightest joke he made.
Imagining how he sweettalk to you like how i did to you before.
Imagining how he trys to get your heart while stealing you away from me.
Imagining how you rather open his msg than mine.
I imagine and imagine and its eating me slowly,painfully.
But yet you gave me hope still making me believe the impossible.
I am confused, hurt and jealous.
I know thats how you felt.
I know its too late.
But if only you can give me that golden last chance, I can change everything and make you the best I ever had.
You said you are tired of me.
But what IF I can prove you wrong?
You ask me what IF you like him.
So Im asking you here, what IF I can be the one you like.
Inah, what IF you were in my shoes right now.
Will you give me just once?
You said you love me but you cant be my lover.
You just made me so tense.
You can be my lover but its just that, that guy is somehow stopping you.
You just want to enjoy your time talking to him and all.
Inah please I beg you, come back to me.

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I am so dead scared right now.

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So its gonna be hell soon when I see you.
And it be bad news.
Maybe you like this guy or you wanna end everything with me.
I duno, whatever it is, I am not prepared for it and I hope I can take it.

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My heart breaks at the fact you seem to have decided for yourself that you are going to move on despite saying you will wait for me.
This is what she said too.
No I am not comparing, I am just saying this has happen before and it will happen again like right now.
So here we go again.
It will never be the same again.
These few days, I had this feeling the love for loving me is gone.
I dun feel it anymore.
No hope left.
My heart breaks at the fact that I have to stalk you on twitter and see talking to Glenn and not to me.
Well, I will still wait just in case you had a fall.
You, take care of yourself and all the best for you.

I hope you forgive me when I said Fuck yourself.
I just hope you understand why I said it.

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Dear blog,

Gosh, its happening again 3 years ago.
I am feeling so down now.
So useless.
I have no targets, no goals, no path.
Everyday has been so wasted.
I told myself that this wont happen if this were to happen.
But in the end, I am still that weak.
Fuck myself.

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The way I see it....

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Hello blog,

Yes its been a long time.
Hope you have been while I had my enjoyment for the past 3 yrs.
So sorry that I have to come back here and say it all here again.
I feel so bad right now, that I used you just to pour my feelings but yeah, thats your job.
So bear with me and go through it with me again, like the old times.

This is so funny.
I had alot to type a few moments ago with all my angers and hatred ready to bombard this piece.
And now, it all seem to be empty.
Not because I dun want to post it here and let everyone know.
But its just too painful to recall it back and type it back here knowing it wont really pull off the pain from me.
Well,shall just take my time and post everything back here at my own pace.

Okay,so I just had an ugly break up and now we are starting slowly which I assume it was and now I am broken again.
Few days ago, we felt so good with each other warmth, trying to convince myself it will work out again step by step.
But today everything went crashing down again on me.
Saw her texting this jackass for most of the time I am out with her.
Okay fine, I know I did that too in the past and we were together and I paid no heed or pay whatsoever shit.
One good point is that now I know how it feels to be like her in the past and how its like to be me.
My heart felt and my eyes seen it.
Good.
But, it felt so bad that I couldnt do anything to that jackass as we are not in a relationshit anymore, I have no rights.
I am so jealous and angry that I could beat Mike Tyson out of the ring.
This is not me.
Now facing this, I came back to my past Lyn.
She did that too.
So this is a kind of phobia and I truly believe that this will happen again.
THIS,will happen to her and I will be back to square one.
THIS, is just the beginning and I am warning myself.
Staying away from her wont help, now that she also playing cool and calling herself stupid for giving her hope.
Now I duno what I am saying.

See what I mean?
It hurts to type back.

I have never felt so much jealousy with Inah before.
Never.
The only time I felt this much when I had my last relationshit.
And I was so possessive.
What I did was I keep fighting and hoping.
Now, I duno what I should do.
I told Inah before, get a better man.
I guess, when I said that, I was telling myself to prepare for this.
So this is it huh.
Its so sad that I have to go through this again.
Really sad.
All this time, I wanted to change and show her what I got to get it back.
And now, this jackass has come to take Rachael.

I dun want to continue this post anymore.

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