Mariska Hargitay

Insert something witty here.
Friday, January 29, 2010

Gosh you.


I am kinda sick of being hurt on and off.
But I guess I am used to it.
I am happy that we are talking to each other.
At the other side,I hate it.
Cos it feels like when I talk to you,the closer I get to know about you and him.
You cried last night,on the phone telling he was this and that.
And now you told me that youre okay with him.
Fuck,great.
I know this is evil of me.
But I am just a jealousy freak.
Annoying.
I have been telling myself not to talk to you and all.
But still,I did not stick to my words because of you!
YOU!
Its has always been YOU YOU YOU AND YOU!
I duno whats has been happening but part of me is enjoying it.
You cried last night,which broke my heart.
You told me about him last night,which made me pissed.
I couldnt help falling mad at you and him.
Burn in hell man.


Sunday, January 24, 2010

Simpang Bedok

That friday night,I must say I enjoyed myself.
I just wish I could spent longer with you.
It was the first time I get so close to a dog.
It upset me most when I see how you interact with him on the phone.


Friday, January 22, 2010

Sense of hatred

I have to be honest with myself.
I am feeling a sense of hatred towards you.
I duno why,but for some reason I beginning to hate you.
Maybe Im mad at what you did to me or maybe its about you and him.
Or even better,both.
At the same time,I still do love you and all.
Wild thoughts would be going through my mind the whole thinking what would you 2 be doing alone.
Its driving me nuts.
Its still going to be a long journey till this pain is gone.
I only come to realized that those "relationship" times were over.
Officially over!
Yet,I still cant shake those days on my mind.
Today in school,I been basically sleeping the whole day in school.
I couldnt get myself to focus on my studies.
It wasnt about you.
It was about me.
Pffft,love suck still somehow.
I dun feel like talking to you,seeing your name yet I still look at my wallpaper.
Till now,I didnt forget the msg you sent me.
"We could start anew in the future,maybe."
Maybe,was the word.
I am just waiting and still waiting.
Even though it wont happen.
Sigh.
Helpless.


Thursday, January 21, 2010

Teared.


I took alot of courage to put down the bloody phone yesterday.
It felt like a stab to my heart.
It felt as though I hurt you when I hang up.
You called me today.
I didnt want to answer the first call as I was just afraid.
Afraid of everything.
2nd call,I pick up.
And I got a BIG question to ask myself,
Why am I putting up an act?
I know I am not myself when I am on the phone with you.
I know,I was just trying to show that nothing had happen.
But I know,I cannot escape from this.
And I wonder when I am finally to be my own self back.
Today was a long day.
As usual,every few minutes in class,I took my hp and see your pics.
The night when we first met and I didnt want to let go of you.
But I have to wake up to my senses.
I need to accept the fact,that things is not gonna be okay for us anymore.
And its really hard to accept it when I love you so much.
Hai.
I keep thinking of you and Randy.
Imagining what you two would be in the near future.
The dreams I had of us are crushed.
I so much want to get back to you.
Its not gonna happen right.


Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Bukan Hidupku.



Lynette,I know everything.
And today,I am going to be honest and say everything out here.
I knew this was the consequences.
I had dreamt it this and it came true.
The surprise you gave me on the 13Jan,I never regret it.
It was the most happiest moment.
My heart told me that you would come back for me.
You did,which I was hoping for badly.
True enough,you were the present outside my door steps.
Nothing could describe the feelings I felt when I found myself in those warmth arms of yours.
I just wish I could just stay there forever.
Next,we were on a 'relationship' till I forgot about everything except us.
It was heaven.
But deep down,I knew I was down in real shit sooner or later.
But I chose to ignore cos I just wanted to treasure every moments with you.
I knew I was gonna get hurt again.
But I chose to set it aside and to let my empty heart filled with your love while it last.
And now,it has come to this which I expected.
Where the hurting gonna haunt me,even when I am sleeping.
I knew you love Randy more than me.
I could see it.
Maybe,I am the 'old' one while hes the 'new' one.
Thats why you choose him I guess.
I noticed then when you are on the phone with him,you are more calm and comfortable.
While to me,you seem so sian and annoyed.
Your tone was so harsh on me.
Like when you said "What?" on the phone,I was thinking.
Do you treat Randy as how you treat me?
You called me today.
I didnt want to answer,but I did.
All I wanted was to hear your voice.
Cos it helps me feel closer to you.
If you didnt realized,I was in a friendly happy tone.
But it was just an act.
Just an act to make you happy.
Little did you know,I was trying to hide and control my emotion.
I didnt want to show you cos I felt it wasnt polite.
It hurts me,when you said Its good if we wouldnt talk.
To hung up the phone was a difficult task for me as it felt I am letting you go.
For all I know,you treat me differently from the rest.
I get the worse punishment.
Like what you said,its my retribution.
And I accepted it whole heartedly for what I have done to you in the past.
Those feelings you had for me,was only temporary.
You had that feelings cos we lost contacts for a month.
And when we met,those feelings just came.
Now,its all gone.
You are not afraid to lose me cos you have Randy.
You prefer him.
You just wanted me to leave you so that you could pay your full attention to him.
But I understand you,you just want to be faithful.
So be it,go ahead.
I am not stopping you.
I am glad that you have that mindset,but jealous at the same time.
Somehow,I wish I had that mindset back then.
And lynette,you want us to be close friends?
Just look at how we talk on the phone.
Close friends talk,behaves that way?
In that tone?
Just think okay.
And think,if I were to be your close friend,
You bloody know that I will still have feelings for you,
And to watch you having a relationship with Randy,
How would this close friend feel?
I am just crying so badly.
So bad,this is bad.
But Im happy on one side that I learn how to calm things instead of throwing everything on you.
I cant control my feelings as for now.
Everything is pulling me down.
Lynette,I just want to let you know I didnt regret these few days.
I really love those times I had with you I swear.
I wish it could replay back.
Back to where we were.
Right now,as Im crying,I just want you badly.
Real badly.
Nobody seems to wipe the tears for me.
All in my head is just you Lynette.
And it hurts me so much,so much to see you go to him.
I just dun want to let go of you.
I really dun want.
Everyday,I would stared at my wallpaper.
Everynight,I would touch my dogtag and ring and go to sleep.
Just so that I could feel you close to me everywhere.
Well,now I am on my own,I hope everything goes well for you.
Do msg me if anything.
I want to meet you on Friday as it will be the last meeting.
I guess,this is what I got to say.
Take care Lynette.
I love you.




Randy,you took away my everything.


Sunday, January 17, 2010

Bad romance?


These few days were my most happiest moments.
I could sleep easily with a smile.
Interestingly,I had a alot dreams recently that includes you.
One of them was when you left me.
And I woke up,just to find you next to me figuring out my maths hw(:
Till,now I have yet to come to think of a conclusion.
Cos one side of is thinking,that I dun want to let go of this feeling I am loving it while,
the other side is thinking I should leave you cos I know I am going to get hurt again sooner.
So,this is the problem I am facing.
I pity myself for not having a proper relationship.
I hug you,while I see your text from Randy saying I love you.
I could have let go of you,but I didnt want cos I didnt want to loose you again like the way I did before.
I acted a fool and pretended I didnt see that msg.
I pray that my patience will last long with me.
I keep repeating myself,I want be with you and stuffs hoping it will come true.
I remembered when we went out that night,you keep holding my hands.
Sweet(:
So tell me,am I doing the right thing?


Saturday, January 16, 2010

13.13.13.13.13.13.13.13.13.


Happy 38th Month Anniversary.
I am very surprised by how you just came to my door steps.
I was just so speechless and I couldnt even think of anything.
I knew I was happy,but I didnt want to show it.
I wanted to show I was still stronger but I knew I couldnt survive the blow.
When I hug you for the first time,I was so touched.
For so long,I have never felt a real love.
I love every second and moments with you.
That night,how lovely it was.
Sorry for delaying your time as I didnt want you to leave me after we have just met.
How I wish I could rewind back to that night.
Sadly,time had to move on.
Its a pity to have a relationship where I know I have to be prepared to be hurt again.
To know when you are gonna get hurt again,yet you still do it just for the sake of being with the person you love.
I duno how I am going to end it.
But I hope you grow up real soon and learn how to make decision.
I am praying hard to be able to wear the ring.
Things wont go my way I predict.
But it hurts alot when you feel like a secondhand item.
Right now,I just need a good rest and think of a 'better' solution.
Goodnite.
I am left speechless.


Sunday, January 10, 2010

I read it.

I am just waiting for the day that you believed that I am not flirt.
Yes,I am still mad at you.
Very mad.
Till now,you still go to his house.
And duno what fuck.
But its okay.
Its your life,your say.
I cant control you at all.
After what you said to me,I have yet to come to a conclusion.
What you said to me was,speechless.
Dun expect anything good though.
Randy,you are an asshole.



My love for Batam.






Gosh I am back from Batam trip.
I love it so much):
I kept silent when I came back home to Singapore.
Lots of emotions and value I learn back there in Batam.
Okay,I dun want to end up writing up a composition about Batam.
Thus,I shall just summarize the whole thing.
Batam,an island I shall never forget.
Everything is so much different.
What you see in Singapore,dun expect the same thing in Batam.
Life is so much harder in Batam than in Singapore.
No proper roads and all.
The thing that left me an impact is the visit to the orphanage home.
Seriously,I am wondering how they cope with their lifes there.
With no proper hygiene and all.
Its really sad to see how,as a Singaporean,we dun appreciate things.
Like food.
Sometimes,we complain that we dun like the food and all.
Back in Batam,those children eat everything they could.
Just to fill their stomach.
Plus,we can have a choice of what to eat daily.
They,could only eat what is given to them.
Worse,their food is so little.
They savor every rice cos they know they might not be able to eat again for a long time.
And I am very happy to see them happy with our company.
And I made a close bond with all those children.
Even thought it was hard to communicate with them,at the end of the day,we could feel the close bond I had with them.
It broke my heart to see me leaving them.
I was in the bus and they waved to me goodbye with tears on their eyes.
Worse,they asked me to call them when I am back.
Tell me,how am I suppose to contact them?
As the bus left,they followed us till they couldnt.
I wanted to cry,but I controlled.
Seriously,it was a pitiful sight to see.
And I hope that they are doing good now.
I keep thinking how they are doing right now.
Even now as I am writing down,i am thinking.
We Singaporean should be lucky of what we have and not take them for granted.
So next item came the dinner and dance programme.
Everyone wore their best.
I was all hip hop baby.
I won an award for being the most popular guy in school but I asked Amir to take for me.
HAHA!
Best,the award was a Harris Mug which I broke it in Spore.
Pfft.
Then that night,everyone came to my room to party.
You know,my crib is big!
Hahaha!
So yeah,that was all for Batam.
I wish I could go back there someday.
I miss it so much!


And you duno how much I miss you back there lynette.


Sunday, January 3, 2010

Meet me halfway.


Today is Sunday.
Tmr,Monday.
Which means,school reopen!
I will be seeing students in uniform when I step out of my house.
Pfft,back to square 1.
I hope it be great this year.
Its time to finally say goodbye to 2009 and welcome 2010!
So,once school starts,I wont be able to blog much since I be staying at my Tampines House.
I pray,school will be great.
While I be in school,I duno what you might be doing.
You be having fun out there with him right.
Pfft.
Why does it have to end?
Argh,fuck this.
So to all my readers,I be back again.
So do missed me.
Thank you.


Saturday, January 2, 2010

Fuck you,fuck you very very much.

Great,you spent the new year with him at his house the whole day.
Fuck the both of you very much.
I may not know what you 2 did,but I am telling you that my imagination is running wild.
I hate what you are doing.
I hate you all.
Fuck this.
Somebody,take me away from this feeling.
I wish you didnt exist.
Or rather,WE didnt exist.
Heres a fucking song for the fucking both of you.
Fuck you and screw you.
And,yes I am fucking jealous.




2010






To all humans,
A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU!
I present you 2010 :D
Lets pray that it might be a good year to get started.
I couldn't help but notice your attitude
You don't have to be like that.
But oh well,guess you didnt change abit.
Its okay.
Its 2010,may you and him have a blessing relationship.
You 2 gonna be happy together and so whatever fuck.
2010,a year where I will be on my studies to push myself to Sec 5 instead of ITE.
So yeah countdown celebration,it was awesome.
I enjoyed myself till I was tired.
First,went to Marina Float for the countdown.
12am,fireworks blast its way through the sky.
And I was standing on the seat,thinking and reflecting.
My only wish,was to have you lynette,by my side.
I still remember 2years ago,we were opposite the Marina float,giving each other a kiss when it was 12am and watching the fireworks together.
That night,I wasnt with you.
I was alone,with my boys.
I only hope that you were near me.
But I only realize that I have forgotten you were spending with your love.
And thats when the saddest part came.
My hair stands on end with the fireworks exploding and the background music with match it perfectly.
Next,they had party which only 18 and above could attend.
Me and my boys started asking people for their tag which indicates there are 18 and above.
With that,we went in and started to dance on the floating platform.
JADAAGS really enjoyed that night.
Especially the freestyle dance off.
Everyone created a circle for anyone to showcase its dance.
Some did Bboy,Some did Shuffle and I did...Popping and locking!
:D
People over there were friendly.
One thing that shock me was when my boys were dancing on our circle space,got this 1 ang moh girl just came to the middle and dance in front of us.
HAHAHA!
We stopped and watched the girl.
Then they joined in.
And she even took Jy cap.
In return,Jy gave her a soft slap to her pussy.
Bastard.
Funny guy.
2.30am,left to meet Isham all.
We were considered a very big group of people.
JADAAGS went to raffles place there and had our drink.
Giam Han,Isham and me went drunk.
I remembered I was being pushed around.
I duno what happen.
But rest assured,I was taken care of by the rest of my boys.
And when I was finally okay,I realized the sky was bright and it was 7am.
So yeah that was it.
Even though,I enjoyed myself very much that day,you were in my mind the whole time.
I wonder,if what you said to me about us is gonna come true one day.

And to my boys,JADAAGS.
You are really the boys.
I love you guys.
We ride together,and lived forever.
Thank you and sorry for creating the havoc I made when I was drunk.
You guys,tsk tsk.
We are the glorious bastard.

2010!