L,just be patient.
You will soon know it.
Its just a matter of time before you know it will happen.
These past days,after the holidays,I felt I wasnt that important to you anymore.
As you get more open to the world showing off your love,I feels more neglected.
But I know,it has to be this way.
If not,whats the other way?
Everything happen for a cause.
Part of you are right,if wouldnt for you,I wouldnt feel so happy.
At least there were times when I felt loved and were in our own world.
While I know well that things were gonna get back to square 1 or rather,worse.
I fear cockroaches and lizards,but have you ever know my greatest fear?
My greatest fear is to lose you Lynette.
Thats,my only biggest fear and I have yet to face it.
But I know your love for him will only tear us apart.
I dun mind.
As long you are safe in his hands.
I am always uneasy whenever I am by myself.
And each time youre with me,you are like my antidote.
But it doesnt last long.
As soon you left,thats when I my heart sank and wishing we back to those times.
I would always watch you leave.
Cos Im in such a situation whereby I wouldnt know if I would be able to see you again.
Time is crucial.
Time is so precious.
Lynette,I think your thinking of me and my 'girls' is too much.
I dun understand why you think like I am sort of flirt.
But I understand if you hate me for the things I done to you.
But even now?
What did I even did?
Basically,you dun like every single girl I talk to.
I just dun understand.
I wish to come over this.
Even if its my fault,do tell me.
I want to learn from my mistake.
Sorry Lynette,I can promised you we can never be together again.
Even if I want to badly,we still cant.
You have yet to trust me.
While I am slowly,trying to gain yours.
At the same time,I am trying to be flexible with you and be a better person.
Lets say,maybe fate doesnt want us to be together.
But I am hoping,miracles will happen.
Nevertheless,I am still waiting.
But for sure,I want to prove to you I can be a better person and that one day,you will come to realised that I really love you.
You also changed okay,cos your attitude can be rude at times.
You dun seem to appreciate my advice and all.
I wanted to show you that I care for you,but I guess,you were playing along or what.
I duno.
But I want you to know,I really care for you alot.
I know I dun sound convincing to you,but I hope you can trust me someday.

---

---

Well,I guess what I said to wasnt important.
It seem that our 38th anniversary were nothing to you anymore.
Fine.
I shall just keep track of the time and will still wish you.
I do not want to end this "habit".
Its so heart breaking to end this man.
You have already hurt me so much.
Please dun take my life.
I dun seem to like hear any respond from you about our anniversary.
Maybe you are busy.
I duno okay.
I know you want me to get rid of you but I cant.
I dun want.
We been so long together and this is what happen.
I still cant believe it.
And I am repeating this.
I know we are not gonna be lovers anymore but I am still holding on to that dream.
You text me last year.
You said,"We might not be together for now,but maybe in the future."
Future?
I dun think.
Your Randy might be your future still.
Fuck this.
L,I hope you are sincere when you call me or talk to me.
I dun want you to talk to me or what just for the sake of making me happy.
If you are doing just for the sake of making me happy,please dun bother.
I appreciate what you done for me.
But it would be good if you are sincere about it.

God knows when we be back on track again.
)':

---

Hey ho.
Wassup.
How did your valentine went on?
Bet you guys had some fun that day.
Yeah.
I hang out with my homies on Sunday.
Afiq,Rahmat and Ashiq,thanks for being my valentines.
If were didnt go out that day,I would sitting at home biting my nails off.
We headed for town and everything was almost empty.
The only shop that was always open was 7-11.
And there were some people selling roses.
Couples roam the area.
If us,we only had Leona.
Haha!
That was Ashiq's valentine.
Anyway,I still enjoyed much.
Had a great time laughing and talking blah blah blah.
Oh yes,Dara and Leon.
They are currently dating.
Grossology.
Why must be Leon?
And now,shes mad at me cos I said something bad about HER date.
Well,I cant be bothered about it.
Call me childish whatever.
I dun like him at all.
Pfft.
Headed for Esplanade as there were some funfair thing.
Reach there 8.30pm.
Woah,that was when the fun began.
There were thrilling rides!
I wanted to ride one but we felt it was not worth it.
So went to slack by the river.
And coincidentally,I met lyndra again!
Gosh,shes a fine flirt.
Hah,because right now....
Afiq and Lyndra are talking to each other!
I purposely introduce them each other, then suddenly Lyndra beside me told me hes hot.
Wow.
HAHAHA!
Lyndra is currently with 13guys.
Amazing right.
Afiq,let me land you in hot soup!
Man,Isham is away in Kelantan.
Feels abit empty and bored without the lil man.
Come back soon bro!
I be waiting~

Hai,Im glad you got somebody now on your valentine L.
I wish I could be yours again,
I wish I could see you that night,somehow.
But I knew I couldnt do that.

---

Im sorry I couldnt msg you or what.
Cos I am using Isham Iphone.
So yeah.
Im upset that you didnt wish me even though I told you already.
Sigh.
Oh well,guess you are moving on.

---

The title says it all.
So sayang,Happy 38th Month (:
Even though we are in this state,I guess its better than nothing.
I know fully well what I am going through.
Being hurt again and again.
This is for what I have done to you in the past.
I am accepting this even though its harsh and all.
Seeing you are with Randy,it reminds me of the days when I was once yours.
When I was your number 1.
Yet,I didnt learn to treasure.
Well,I believe Randy could be the one to mend your broken wall.
I hope you are happy with him.
Even though this is not what I want.
I cant be selfish enough to steal you away from him or what.
Love cant be forced.
Its time I need you to be free and happy after being hurt for a long time.
I need to think for your happiness.
Its time,where you wont need to be hurt.
You told me,you dun want to be hurt anymore.
I understood.
You just cant bear to go through another one.
You had enough.
So let me just go through this and learn.
And learn to be a better person.
38th.
Thats pretty fast.
We have come this far.
We still have a long way to go.
But I wont be going with you in the near future this time.
Travel your path with your love and treasure him.
Dun turn back k,L.
Cos the hope I been holding on will never be real.
It seems so impossible.
Its time,i find my own path and seek a new life with myself.
And I never hope to meet you halfway.
This hurt,yes.
I love you so very much.
What I regret the most,was that I didnt tell you how much you mean the world to me.
By the time I realized it,it was too late.
I only got myself to blame.
Nvm,its okay.
You happy,Im happy too.
You taught me alot of things.
You taught me to be a better person.
You taught me to save my money.
You taught me to balance my studies.
Most importantly,you taught me how to love.
Im grateful to have you L.
When I had no money,you were there for me to support me.
When I had no food,your hands were the one fed me.
When I had no one else to run to,you spread your arms wide for me.
You took all the harsh treatment I gave.
You are a superwoman.
Really,I only blame myself for not taking care of you well.
You are wonderful.
Lyn,you were my mother,father,friend and a lover.
Its okay that you forgot the date.
I dun expect you to remember it.
I love you.




Randy,you are a very lucky guy.
I fucking envy you.

---

Hey~

Dun like that ok.
I duno what I did wrong.
But it was obvious that it was my action that pissed you off.
Im sorry to say this but I am just being honest.
The way you behave towards me,
You made me feel like I cannot change myself.
I want to.
But I guess,you dun have any hope on me.
Yes its true,I tend to like girls who like me.
Cos,I like the feeling that somebody like me.
But my mindset have change ever since I realise how important you were to me.
Yes,I am close to some girls.
But my feelings are true this time.
I bet you be having doubts still.
I was upset when you said you dun trust me.
Cos now,I am already starting to gain your trust.
You know,I put down the phone cos I didnt want to spoil the relationship.
So I hope you understand.
Dun say I wasnt there for you and all.
I want us to improve ourself and not go through small matters that would affect us.
And I hope,you would one day realised that I changed.
Maybe not for you.
But at least,change for the better?
But I am doing all this just for you and myself.
So,dun be mad k.
Sorry,if I annoyed you or what.
Forgive me.

---

"You be my boyfriend for the day."
I duno what was my reaction to this,but I like it.
I am not trying to find fault with you.
Its just that what you said to me,
it made me happy somehow.
But somehow,I was quite happy with it.
I must admit it la k.
I enjoyed every second with you.
I know I was being 'used' of,but I just wanted to have the feeling of being happy with you.
I didnt care about anything.
And I want you to know that I studied.
I really studied,just for the sake of you.(I am very proud of that)
I know it seem I am faking cos Im always known to like not study and all.
And my study is just like not that serious study.
But I hope you believe me,when I said earlier on that I did studied.
You got the doubtful feelings right.
Its okay,I hope I could prove to you one day(:
Yay,you fetched me from school.
It felt great.
Hai,and now I am back home here again.
Wishing I could go back to time earlier.
It has always been like that.
It was a boring day I suppose.
We didnt enjoyed much.
But I know riding my bike was a fun thing.
Hah.
Sorry if you were offended in any way.
My schedule is going to be pack this friday.
NCC + CNY Performance.
And theres ngaji,every Friday.
Gosh,how am I suppose to attend it when theres training every Friday?!

---

I was overcame with regrets and shame after what you texted me.
Thats when I knew how you felt when I 'left' you months ago.
And now,it hit me back.
The same thing which has hit you months ago.
But I guess,you were much in a worse position.
I read your last msg again and again.
To be honest,I myself didnt realize I was such a satan/bastard/whatever you name it.
I can understand by what it means to be faithful.
Cos I was too,trying to be faithful to farah.
But I failed.
And now,its your turn.
But I just cant bear the pain I feel inside.
And I know I have to carry on with the pain as life goes on.
Thats pretty sucky.
But I guess thats nth to do.
I see a pic of you and him.
I must admit,I dun like it cos its so ugly.
At the same time,Im feeling a sense of jealousy.
And I am learning how to control it.
L,you cant tell me what to do.
Its really hurtful to move on.
Yes,it takes time to heal.
But the process is too painful.
Nobody wish to go through it.
But yet,its so unlucky that I have to.
You can say it just like that,cos you are moving on with Randy.
I appreciate that you care for me and all.
But yet,I am still stubborn.
This spoilt brain of mine just want you and you.
All I need is you.
Which,wont fucking happens.
I am too ashamed to carry my shame and regrets along with me.
Sorry for what I had done.
I know nothing can be done.
But im still holding on the rope.
Everyday,I ask myself if theres is ever a chance for us again.
And I know the answer would be NO.
Yet,I still ask myself.
Is like a fact is already a fact,and yet I wont believe it.
L,you are my greatest loss and my biggest love and my longest love.

I love you.

---

I so miss you terribly.
Every weekend,I would wonder what you be doing here and there.
Every weekend,I put my phone away from me.
And I be letting out a sigh knowing that you be enjoying yourself.
And Im here being jealous.
It never ends.
Everyone telling me to let go of you.
But I just cant.
When I am with you,I feel so good.
I forget everything.
I just wanna be by your side all day long.
Till now,I am waiting for the day I long for.
But I know it wont happen.
Well,I already have a plan in mind.
Valentine is coming.
I guess I be spending it alone for the first time.
):

Its okay.

---

Okay,this few weeks I am going to get real busy.
Really busy.
Many events are happening soon.

1)Chinese New Year Concert
2)Speech Day
3)Dancework

These events needs lots of practices and even rehearsal!
Plus,those books I need to buy for school.
I am mad with the school teachers for wasting our money.
Some books they also never use.
Then they expect us to buy assessment books.
To make it worse,they always want it asap.
Money is becoming an issue to me nowadays.
I been living on budget usually.
Now I have to raise it even higher.
What a school system we living in.
Great-.-
Back to my busy schedule.
Monday-Dance
Tuesday-NCC
Wednesday-Dance
Thursday-PT
Friday-NCC speech day practice.
So yeah,thats how busy am I.
But to be on the positive side,Im proud that NCC is the Guard Of Honour (GOH) this year!
And everyday,after school I head home which by then I would be tired.
But I can still manage on my studies(:
Goody me.

---

I just feel upset.
Thinking,thinking the dynamics of our relationship.
Sometime,I try to figure out what had made us this way.
Sometime,I blame everything for the cause of it.
Sometime,I blame myself for all the mistake I had done.
I just duno why we had to go this path of road.
Or rather me that has to go through this.
Like lynette,I want somebody who has my back.
Who can love me and support me.
You have Randy.
Me?No one.
By I am not trying to say I want a new girl.
What I am saying is I too,need this affection.
I still love you L.
I always wanted to tell you how I feel and all.
But given your status,I think its safe to just not affect you anymore.
I dun want me to be the problem of you.
I cant move on.
I cannot,and never will.
Call me stubborn if you wish.

---

You got to hurt me,L.
Is not that you dun want to.
But you have to.
You have to hurt me for the sake of Randy.
So yeah,I can understand.
I will just be patient and bear the pain till the day I will give up.
Valentine is coming.
This year,shall be the first year I be spending alone.
Yeah,I know I sound pitiful but this is not on purpose as this is an actual fact.
So,I have come up with a plan.
Valentine,I wake up to study.
Then in the night,a drink session.
By drinking,it helps me put off with the misery and sorrow I have.
I can share it with my friends to make me feel better.
At least for a moment,then it will come to me again.
So yeah,its still in a work in progress.
Not confirmed.
Okay la,I gotta crash my bed for now.
I dun wish to say much.
Goodnite peeps.

---

"I'm tired of always being there for you and trying to stand up for you and always supporting you in almost everything you do, yet, actually, you can do everything without me and you don't even need me at all."

-Zahirah

---

Yes,I have been a damn old fool.
Always has been.
It seems like everything I do or say seems to piss you.
You dun seem to be happy with me.
Like I am a nuisance or an annoying pest.
One thing I like to bring up is,
Please dun treat us or me as a thing of the past.
I dun see we are getting better or improving.
Like its still the same as though we were 'together'.
Tell,is this way you treat Randy?
I am not your fucking rubbish bin.
You cant just dump everything at me.
I was there for you when you cried and all.
Then now,you treat me like as though nothing happens and all.
Hey,what am I to you?
This isnt how you treat a friend.
What is this man?
Whatever it is,I dun feel right la.
And yeah,I think you are over reacting when I didnt go to school.
Its like you think I am lazy and whatever I say is just excuses to you.
You dun even allow me to finish my sentence.
Hai.
Never mind.
I shall ignore what you did to me and all la.
Main thing,I want you.
I dun mind being a fool.
Let others say what they want say.
I dun care.
Cos I will always remain a fool for as long as I live.

Thank you accompanying me to the doc even though I told you not to come.
It tear me when you board the bus):

---

Okay.
My previous was just to let off my anger.
Whatever I said,was said in anger.
So,dun give a damn about it man.
Useless crap.
Yeah,I guess I got to learn.
Learn MORE I mean.
I think,I shall go with what you said.
Being jealous is a difficult task thing to do.
But I shall just close one eye.
I will pretend like I never hear of it or whatever.
I want to talk to you.
I want to see you.
I want to feel you.
I duno why,but I seem like a fool trying to do anything for you.
You made me crazy.
Its okay,I know I am going to get hurt again soon or sooner.
Its just gonna be a cycle for all I know.
You and him,forever.
Me and your problem,forever.
Repeat and repeat till I duno when it end.
Till I die perhaps.
Oh yes,since the accident that almost took my life,I keep wondering why the cab didnt knock me down.
Seriously,it was fucking close.
My legs were shivering.
And I think.
What if it were to take my life?
Why?!
It could been better?
Or worse?
Back to where I was la.
So,yeah I think just go with the flow and see where it leads me.
Hello lynette.
I apologised for that day I was dizzy and ended up calling you and saying I love you and all.
And for the day,I kissed you when I left.
I know I shouldnt have done that.
Never should I do that!
SORRY.

---